Anesthetics, Aesthetics (original)

Am I the one to blame for all this mess?
Am I the only guilty one for loosing my way?

The weird girl that dreamt with success succumbed to the daily routine of needs and desires of common people after realizing that her wishes were also a construct of them.

(Look, look! Everyone asks for it, have you noticed?
They all will push you to achieve recognition and awaken envies!)

Everyday to wake up with the knife in hand, and check your back.

But now... what?
What is your existance worth for, my little girl?

Learn that all your questions have many answers, and each one is a different path.

To stop creating ways that you won’t follow?
Is it pointless if you will have to choose just one?

...But what with that old path, the first one you created for yourself my little girl, when your consiousness awakened from the peaceful sleep of unity?

Was it all really for recognition? To fulfill the infinite need artists have for... for...

No, I won’t name it.
I oppose to give myself to my physicallity... Again.

For that is what took me from my old path. This body...

Anesthetics to shut it up?
...Simply not to pay attention to it, or ”sublimate” its screams?

”My dear, work, and then wait... For your work shall be hung up for everyone to see, and someday you will receive endless admiration and the love of many.”

-But I don’t want the love of many anymore... I just want...

”Your body will only be useful as the tool, the mediator that materializes your thoughts for everyone of them to see, and then you will know what real gratification is, how trascendental loneliness can be stopped with the worshipping of many. Your work, the small iconic representation of your schismatic totality, will be the idols they shall adore.”

-But it is not me, it is not me...

”You... You know your body shall be desired by some; is that what you really want? Has it ever given you some peace? Any satisfaction that lasted more than a day for that matter?
But your mind... That disfigured entity, that monster that no-body wants will only be capable to enter other mind’s comprehension only if covered by aesthetics’ disguise.
You shall find yourself in between this body and that mind. Understand, my dear, that you are not one or the other, there is no such thing as that division imposed... Unite again through these...”

-Objects? That will only serve for their enjoyment? Or for their entretainment or self-questioning? Am I meant to have some kind of mission, that of a trigger?

”So young, still, so innocent...
See, your only mission in this life is for you to learn that there are no meanings intrinsical to events or those so called ’objects’ that you nowadays seem to despise... As an excuse for not trying to fight in this useless competition?
Most probably. For we are all cowards, and even that can be a motor for living, a replacement for ’will’...
The meanings will be always given by yourself, and, unless there is social convention involved, they shall be only yours.
You shall be lonely until the day you end, lost within their labyrinth...
This life will only mean what you want it to mean.”

-What about this chronic boredom?

”Is just your lack of comprehension... Your will becomes pathologically sleepy when you just cannot see the meaning of your life. You ask too much of it, of all, thus, it becomes boring.
You ask too little of it, thus, you get bored.

If you want your meanings to be universally true, well... THEN MAKE THEM!!
If not, accept them as true just within your own life.
Your boredom shall end when you understand what this life is all about.

...My dear, understand that Life doesn’t even have the opposite meaning of Death.”

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