Rotten

Daterat: Onsdagen den 27:e december 2006 kl 11:07

"Ohh, but you are so beautiful, how stupid of you", she said while she caressed my hair.

What is the use of pleasing the eye I wondered.
"I´ve been wanting to die for long now, mother" I told her.

...While I imagined the pain she would feel when she heard that all over again - because her pain I cannot feel; she taught me well and I learned about suffering as the best of students...
Her pain still is just her own, I just served to reflect it back - but mother, I am alone within my pain now.
I am finally independant.

No one will be able to feel what I feel and I´ll be the only one trapped in this warm carcass
and-I-will-free-myself.

No one should suffer for my loss.
I am lost already.
But I am too afraid of nothingness... Yet. Though it has been long since the last time I wanted so badly to escape from this body. And I am scared of myself...
She leaves me, I won´t have any chains locking me to life.

When did my hopes die and started building my desires over clouds of dreams? Whenever the fog of illusion leaves my sight, I am only left with the hole´s view.

But
I
Am
Still
Afraid
To
Fall

(I have forgotten being worthwhile.
I did forget how to be loved...
I forgot what wanting me is)

Mother, it´s been long since anyone touched me.
Mother, it is your eyes that see me beautiful;

Your eyes

Are blind;
This mirror lies.

I am rotting inside mother, and no one can see.

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well.
Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling

I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...Oh Mother, I can feel the soil
falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs youMore than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over
...I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said:
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil
falling over my head